when the carnival lights go up, i won’t be here to see what prize we’ve won, i said.
what? you replied. we just got here. we drove all this way.
i’m sorry, i replied. it’s been a long day. the parking lot is calling my name
and there are so many people begging for yours…so i’ll make it easy.
fuck the other people. c’mon, one more game. you can pick this time. darts? ring toss? i’ll get you anything you want.
i want to come home to you instead of taking two separate cars.
what i want is not on the shelf.
okay, then name it. i’ll make it happen. just stay with me a little longer.
do you want to go on a rollercoaster?
no. my head is already spinning from when you bought me cotton candy.
no. i just want to go home. if i stay any longer we’ll go into the house of mirrors over there
and i’ll think it’s filled with strangers.
c’mon, you say, and you’re shaking my shoulders, the flourescents bathing your skin pink, saying, look at the lights! there are churros and pretzels and children laughing and you’re the only person i want to experience this with
and i want to believe you but we both know it isn’t true. because i’ll be the one helping you win every game while you hand the stuffed bear to someone else, and i don’t want to cry in front of all our friends so
i’m just going to go first.
but- oh look, someone wants your autograph.
and so now you’re signing a sweaty teenage boy’s napkin. he looks at me and for a second i think he’s going to say something interesting but instead he just goes i’m so glad he has people like you to help him on his journey and suddenly i do feel like i am on a rollercoaster because i want to throw up.
that was sweet. c’mon. 1 hour. i’ll buy you a hot dog.
you don’t understand. i need to get out of here.
the air’s so sweet i can’t smell my own blood. the laughter’s so loud i can’t hear myself scream.
and you’re looking at all our friends, expecting someone to chime in, but they can’t. and i almost feel bad, the whole world knows why i’m leaving early but you, but i bite my tongue and think it’s better this way.
what’s also funny is that right then i don’t ache for my best friend, i’m wishing for yours. which means this whole carnival outing really has gone on too long so i grab my car keys out of my purse and try very, very hard not to cry.
okay. i won’t beg anymore. just tell me why.
i take a deep breath. i can hear the seagulls even though it is midnight.
what i want to say is: i’m driving away first because i love you.
because when i became your right hand i forgot how to recognize mine
and i am tired of waking up half-gone.
instead, i say i’m sorry. someone is waiting for me to come home
and the coffee they made me with the shitty latte art is getting cold.
who? you ask. who is waiting?
i don’t know. maybe it’s just me.
please, if no one else, let it at least be me.